TOP 10 Things The Large Hadron Collider Should Do

• Author: Top 10 Kid
• Filed under: Tech
• Date: Sep 10,2008

Once you find out that this overpriced science project isn’t going to do anything “cool” or destroy the world, it kind of loses its luster. Other than giving scientists nerd-boners, this thing is just going to smash some particles and make a very tiny mess that will be picked apart and studied some more.  But if I had it my way, these would be the TOP 10 Things The Large Hadron Collider Should Do.

10. Make Dark Matter Cookies

They just sound delicious!

9. Create a Bizarro Universe

An intelligent Paris Hilton or a winning Arizona Cardinals. These are things that will never happen unless the universe is flipped upside down like it’s opposite day.

8. Make a Blackhole Sun

I’ve never understood what a “Blackhole Sun” is and Soundgarden never really told me. This way I’d finally be able to nod my head in understanding when this song is on the radio.

7. Getting a signal from the 11th Dimension

That signal is distress call from a planet filled with sex-starved, big-boobied alien lady supermodels who need handsome, internet bloggers to repopulate their planet.

6. The Big Bang Theory is proven

Yeah, it’s proven to be a dumb sitcom that doesn’t deserve another season. Did we really need scientists to prove that?

5. Dinosaurs return

And they taste like chicken.

4. Smashing particles turns out to be as fun as popping bubble wrap

Seriously, who doesn’t love bubble wrap?

3. Opens a Stargate/Wormhole

Usually opening a wormhole or Stargate would be nothing but trouble, but in this instance it would lead us to another time and place where the water is beer and the everything smells of bacon.

2. Reduces our gravity

Sure, driving is gonna be a pain in the ass but who wants to drive when you can jump for miles? Earth would be one giant, inflateable “Bounce Castle”.

1. Gives everyone superpowers

There is a reason every popular movie this season is about superheroes. We all wish we were and if there is one thing we know for a fact is that things in science with names like “Large Hadron Collider” are the perfect origins for giving people super-powered abilities.